Sometimes life can make you feel like you’re messed up. Like the version of yourself that you are currently living as isn’t the actual version of you that you should be. That who you are living as isn’t the person that you were meant to be, but there is this other person in your place that just can’t seem to get out of this funk. I get that.
Five years ago I wasn’t myself and even two seconds ago I wasn’t myself, but I accept that who I am because of what I’ve been through is the self that I have been meant to become. Now this may sound like a silly riddle to you, but that’s what it feels like living on after life strikes you in ways that you wouldn’t have asked for.
When life comes at you with a vengeance so great that you think you must begin to question everything, you do just that: Question everything. You sit and second guess your blessings when they come to you. Your norm has become so skewed and so blurred that your blessings don’t seem like they can be your blessings anymore. Anything that you encounter in your life ends up being something that can hurt you, harm you, fool you into a sense of comfort that lacks the protection that you need to survive.
I am here to tell you that you don’t have to live with that fear. You can live with your other self. When life comes to lull you into that feared sense of comfort with its beauty, grace, and hope, you can crawl into that embrace. Your past life doesn’t have to be the final determinant of your current and future life in its entirety. Yes, don’t get me wrong, the life that you have today is going to be affected by the life you once had, that you went through, crawled out from, stood up against. But, your past is not your present, your past is not your future, and your past self is not the self that you are trapped with.
Today, who you are is who you decide to be. Your past is just a piece of the lens that you use to interpret and define the world in front of you. Your past prepares you, gives you strength, and gives you new meanings and new things to be grateful for. Your past guides your perception of today with a new hue around the edges. Whether that hue is light or dark is the direction that you heart and mind must choose.
You, your past, and now will always be present, but it is your choice and your choice alone who you will give the privilege of control to: your past or now. When you are evaluating your world through the lens of your past you must think to yourself of what side of the lens you are holding up to look through. Are you looking through the side that distorts your path and veers you towards more inner strife and turmoil? Or, are you looking through the side of the lens that gives you clarity, direction, and a sense of new self that you have gained due to your past perseverance?
Every time you hold up the lens of the past you have a choice: light or dark, distortion or clarity, despair or hope. Every time you begin to recognize that your past is coming towards you to take you back down into the hole that you have already so painstakingly crawled out of, you must fight. You must fight to turn the lens to the light and push towards seeing your world as a positive reflection of the beauty and wonder inside yourself that you were able to discover as you made that climb.
Fighting is not always easy and sometimes life will try its damnedest to round house kick you flat on your back where it seems there will be no hand to guide you, but the help that you need is already there. You remember that self that you have felt like wasn’t you, over there in the funk having been through the crap shoot of life? That self has already been there where you are on your back. That self has already jumped back up from the ground and given life a round house kick to face for you, all you have to do is let yourself take the hand of the you who persevered and won and let it guide you.
How you got back up, how you pushed aside the fear, how you got to where you are despite what you have been through: it is already inside of you. It’s you and you just have to trust yourself.
Here’s to living today without your past being the ultimate determinant of your future and choosing to let you guide yourself into the happiness that you deserve.